Love Is What Pain Looks Like When It Smiles

Moon, do you remember the first day we met?

Of course.

I thought I’d already died.  I thought you were an angel.

Really?  I was about to put a bullet between your eyes.

Well, to be fair, you’d already shot me twice.  I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.

Good point.

Sometimes I wish you had killed me.

I never wish that.


I don’t think I’ve ever told you how I got mixed up in all of this.  At least, I haven’t told you the whole story, you know bits and pieces, here and there.  The rumors get more outrageous by the day, so I think it’s time I set the record straight.

I was seventeen the first time I realized I had the Gift.  They were shooting blindly at each other, crouched behind beat up cars and government trash cans.  Stupid.  Typical.  Don’t remember why.  But of course I got the call.  And of course I went.  Couldn’t just leave them.  Loyalty, and all that shit.

So I go down there, and I can tell someone’s already been shot ‘cause there’s blood on the street, but I can’t see him.  Sean’s there, he’s the one that called, and he’s got my girlfriend with him, Chi-chi.  Her real name was Chihiro, we just called her that.  I locked eyes with her a minute before I dove down beside them.  I remember ‘cause it was the last time I really looked at her.  Her eyes were a beautiful brownish-red color.  Anyway, I bend down over her so that any bullet that wants to get to her vital organs has to go through me first, and I fire two shots over the hood of the car.  I remember yelling at Inoue, What the fuck did you do?  He was always starting shit, I mean always.  Like, some guy would look at him weird in the street and next thing you know he’s all up in the guy’s face, cussing him out over some nonsense or other.  You know the type.

Anyway, then it happens.  Sean stands up a little, to get a better shot at someone, and I don’t cover for him ‘cause I’m a stupid-ass piece of shit seventeen year old.  The bullet hit him right at his jaw, completely shattered it, and went down a little through his neck.  The world didn’t slow down for me, like it does in the movies.  Maybe my brain slowed down.  I couldn’t think fast enough, I could only think about how much blood there was.  I couldn’t even move.  Then Chi-chi pushes past me, and I, like a stupid-ass piece of shit don’t even think to grab her.  The bullet hit her in the temple, barely any blood.  I reached over to her – I wasn’t even sad yet, just curious – and I pushed the blood away from the bullet hole and took her pulse.  I look at Inoue and I’m filled with this horrible, sickening rage, and next thing I know the car is flying through the air and everyone is screaming.  It smashes into the other car and crunches to a stop.  I can feel it’s potential energy, the weight of it, I mean, in my blood.  I can feel it rumbling and shaking, like it’s become a part of myself.  And then there’s this pulse, from deep in my chest.  It ripples out of me, like it’s moving every atom in my body, and then outward, like a huge wave, and I get this sense that I can see everything, all the joy and pain, the whole crazy ass story laid out before me, and there’s wind everywhere, all around me and all through me, and it’s blowing pieces of me away, and it’s part of me, and just when I think my body is about to fall apart, it stops.

I don’t really remember what happened after that.  I must have run.  I came to on a subway train later that night; who knows how long I’d been there.  It was all over the news, you probably remember, but no one knew it was me since it was so fucking weird, and the only two people who’d actually seen me there were dead.

I had a dream on that subway car about the day we would meet.  Only, we were on top of a building, and you were watching the sunset with your arms spread wide in the breeze like you do, perched on the edge in your bare feet.  The picture was so clear in my mind.  And I came up to you, holding a gun, and when you turned to look at me there was blood everywhere, but it didn’t matter somehow.  Somewhere in the distance someone started playing that song we always used to listen to when we got high, and as it got louder the blood disappeared.  The music beat deep in my chest, drawing me to you, but as soon as I took a step the building crumbled around you, as if my stillness had been the only thing holding it together.

You fell before I could grab you.  So I jumped.


~ by followingsherlockholmes on October 15, 2012.

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